She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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