So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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