I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I will be naked everywhere
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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