I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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