Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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