I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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