wanna go halves on a baby?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
