I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
