i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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