I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
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As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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