Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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