I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
