This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
