Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
