This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
