If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
