the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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