the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
