i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
