I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
