remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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