Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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