just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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