he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
