college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
