i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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