i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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