Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
