Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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