I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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