My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
