Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
