Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
