can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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