James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
