Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
too bad you live with your parents still
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
