So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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