I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i will never coherently bang her
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
