Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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