just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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