He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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