so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
