your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
