hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
