I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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