they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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