Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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