I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
