I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
