This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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