I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
