Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I love black thongs
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dignity is for republicans.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
