Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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