Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
