I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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