Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I did not marry a roomba.
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