i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
