So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
